Signs and Doubts

I had been feeling really tense and stressed today, probably because I’m back at school and the impending doom of exams is looming. But there were a few things.

Firstly, as usual, after I’ve seen a couple of good productions, I go into a whole existential crisis. Wondering if I am following the right path, if I am talented enough, determined enough to follow that path. When I see extremely talented people on stage, all I want to do is perform with them, however I never know if I ever will. I came back to my boarding house yesterday, and left my family for a few weeks on Saturday. I wasn’t feeling the best on Saturday, and when I arrived in Edinburgh, I just wanted to sleep and do nothing else. And I had a mini-existential crisis, as I didn’t have one after In the Heights or Jersey Boys. Plus a couple of other things, just made me tired.

And today, I just felt like nothing was going right, I couldn’t revise, I had a list of things to do. And I got some of them done, I got my Drama dissertation in, so that’s the end of AH Drama for me. The second/third thing on my list was to order, Hamilton: A Revolution by Lin Manuel Miranda from the drama bookshop NYC. He is going there for a signing, and I thought there might be a chance, if I could ask the staff to ask him to sign a copy before they post it. But, when I tried to order it, it wasn’t working, the website. I couldn’t get it delivered, and when I called the shop they explained that they do deliver, and then the call dropped out. It sounds ridiculous, but it felt like a sign. I thought that if I could get a copy of the book, signed by one of my heroes, it would almost be like a sign, that if I tried hard enough I could do anything, for example get a signed copy of a book, from half way across the world, even though I won’t be there for the signing. And I couldn’t get it, I couldn’t even order it. And it feels like a sign. I am constantly doubting if to go into the theatrical route, if I should, what pathway do I take? I want to perform on stage. To be in the west end- but it seems so ridiculous and far away. And my backup subject (non-creative one)- Biology? It is just going terribly. It just all feels a bit distant. I work hard in drama, but I feel like it’s never going to pay off. I know it’s ridiculous to feel like the fact a website didn’t work is a sign and now making me rethink my whole future, but it does. Anyway, I’m just rambling and, I just needed to write this down and get it out.

-Charlotte

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